now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Randomize
