We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
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