when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
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