i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
There is no rule that you can't be in a room with more than one dick that's been inside you.
Randomize
