I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
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