You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
Randomize
