Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Randomize
