Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
after a month anything with tits is on the radar
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
Randomize
