You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
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