I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize