Define "chronic" masturbator.
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
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