You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
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