Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize
