well I can't set my house on fire every night
yay america 4th of july drinking game. take a drink every time you hear or see a firework, finish your drink for a mention of mj or the gosselins, a shot for the words democracy,hope, freedom, terrorism
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
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