Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
Dude, she DOES look like she'd give good head. No bottom jaw, I checked.
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
Randomize
