oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
