I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
Randomize
