she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
in pain and im wearing pink underwear
so?
i dont own pink underwear
So are you the girl that gave me herpes? or was that the girl from the night before
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
Randomize
