don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
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