I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Randomize
