i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
Randomize
