Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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