she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
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