I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.