This is not my ceiling
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
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My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
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I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.