Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
27 People Confess Their Proudest Fap
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
29 Unspoken Rules Of “Bro Code”
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
It's amazing what a couple of orgasms can do for a girls demeanor.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.