Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
I dunno. It's not as good as 'devourer of cocks' but I suppose few things are.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
Randomize
