Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
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