I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
