I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
Randomize
