I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
Randomize
