I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
I don't want too, lol. I'm currently awaiting my next period like its the second coming of christ
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
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