Don't come here someone got drunk and rolled the keg to buger king. no more beeer
new low.... made out with someone while peeing
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
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