My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
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