i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
Randomize
