Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
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