Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
Maybe he injected his testicle?
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
My dad is sitting where you rode me
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
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