Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
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