I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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