Go study a dick amy that's outrageous
My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
so i was just informed that i sang that song "pop that pussy ayyy pop that pussy" at the halloween party saturday. iembarrassing.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
Randomize
