pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
can you sing with all the voices of the mountain? can you paint with al the colors of the windddd
wasted?
im pocohantasssss
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
Packing for the trip... do they take Visa in South Dakota?
white trash bash was a total success...cops shut it down twice and her hair stayed in rollers all night..she never broke character
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
Randomize
