happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
The size of her hoop earrings are directly related to how much of a slut she is.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
you never un-have a 4some
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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