you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
Randomize
