Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
Randomize
