Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
I woke up to him yelling "WHO SLEEPS WITH A BEER IN THEIR HAND?!?" this of course, startled me awake and made me spill the aforementioned beer. So I guess the a answer is- not this girl, not anymore. Asshole
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
