and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Randomize
