The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
Randomize
