matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize
