I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I googled Canada's legal age of consent. I have good news. It's 14. Justin Bieber here I come...
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
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