wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
Randomize
