i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
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