Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
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