It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
