I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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