seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
Forgot that I saved my paper as "Eat Shit Edwards" and e-mailed it because I missed class. I'm sure Prof. Edwards will be delighted when she gets it. I don't anticipate a passing grade.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
The adults are the big ones right?
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
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