New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
Randomize
