I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
