It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
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