never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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