I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
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