Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
how do you feel about lunch break shots ?
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
